Unwanted, Unloved, Rejected

Recently I shared the following talk with one of the ladies groups at Bellevue Chapel, the Ladies Coffee Morning.

Have you ever felt unwanted, unloved, or rejected?

I’m sure most of us have felt at least one of these at one time or another, from someone in our lives.

Recently, I’ve been reading the story in Genesis of Jacob, Leah, and Rachel and have come to appreciate Leah’s part of the story more than I did before. 

When we hear this story, it’s often about the love between Jacob and Rachel. His love for her was so great that he agreed to work 7 years before her father, Laban (a trickster), would allow Jacob to marry her. After those 7 years (which felt like 7 days to Jacob because his love for her was so great), Laban tricked Jacob giving him Leah (the eldest daughter) instead. Laban then convinced Jacob to work another 7 years to gain Rachel as his second wife. But, the bit with Leah is often glossed over. Let's focus more on her here.

We know, from reading the passage, that for those first 7 years, Jacob was thinking only of gaining Rachel as his wife. We also know, from reading the passage, that Leah wasn’t as pretty as Rachel and that in that time, it was not customary to marry off the younger daughter before the older one.

Once married to Leah, it is made clear in the passage that Jacob did not love her.

We read in Genesis 29:31-32
“When the Lord saw that Leah was hated (some versions use the word unloved), He opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Reuben, for she said, “Because the Lord has looked upon my affliction: for now my husband will love me.”

Reuben means “behold or see, a son”

Can you imagine the rejection she must have felt from the beginning, knowing that her husband didn’t love her? But, God saw her and blessed her.

Have you ever felt rejected?

Our youngest son, after moving out on his own would tell me, “I’m an adult now mom and can take care of myself” or “stop worrying and checking up on me all the time” and “Mom, just stop texting me all the time!”

BTW, I would text him once a week. Those texts were simple and short: "I hope things are good and I love you bud" or similar wording. I specifically kept them short and only once a week (except for a few times when after 2 or 3 months, I was more worried than usual) so that I wasn't a "nagging" or "overbearing" mom. 

His responding this way, when he did respond, was not saying he did not love me, but for me, it kind of felt that way. 

This went on for about a year and a half or so. And in that period, I spent many nights in prayer for him. Then CoVid hit and he had to move back home for a few months. He was only with us for 5 or 6 months before receiving and invitation and deciding to move to Texas and share a flat with his best friend. On his moving day, I told him (again) to text me once a week, even if all he said was one word, “okay” or just "ok" and I would be happy with that. And I reminded him that when I text him each week, it’s simply because I love him and never want him to not hear it. A week after moving to Texas, he texted, that all was well. And the next week, and the next. He began texting me and calling me to ask for recipes, or how to sew on a button, and other little life things like that.

I thank God that we have developed a good relationship and that we understand one another better. I thank God for working in that relationship  and that our son also wants to keep connection with us. He is not a very sentimental young man and seldom says I love you. Since about the age of 16, I can probably count on two hands the number of times he’s actually used the words I love you to me and his dad. What we usually get is “ditto.” But, it is a response. We chat over text every week with quick updates on life, and I always end with I love you bud, and almost always get a response of “ditto” or “you too!” I don't mind, because they mean he is talking to us and "ditto" has become rather affectionate over the years.

That unloved feeling is gone.

God saw my hurt. God saw Jason wanting to cut apron strings. And I believe that God was working and that is why Jason and I have a good relationship today.

Back to Leah in Genesis 29:33-34
³³ “She conceived again and bore a son, and said, “Because the Lord has heard that I am hated, he has given me this son also. And she called his name Simeon.
Simeon means “God has heard”

³⁴Again she conceived and bore a son, and said, “Now this time my husband will be attached to me, because I have borne him three sons. Therefore his name was called Levi.
Levi means “attached” or “united”

I know times were different then, but I struggle to reconcile that Jacob was fathering children with Leah all while not even wanting her as his wife. Moreover, how sad that in bearing her first 3 sons, her hope was on how each one might make Jacob want her. And her hope was still there after bearing 3 sons. But, her hope for Jacob loving her, wanting her would never come about. For example; when they later returned to Jacob’s homeland, He sent his concubines, their children, and Leah and her children ahead of Him, Rachel and their children so that if Esau became violent, Jacob, Rachel and their children would have a chance to escape while the others were being killed. That is the level of or rather, lack of affection he had for Leah (and others).

I ask again, have you ever felt unwanted and unloved?

I think back to a time almost 30 years ago now, when my own mother told me that she didn’t have room in her life for me anymore. She had just lost a son, the second one to die in a fatal accident. I know that she was just lashing out in some unconscious way to try to protect herself from more pain, but that knowledge didn’t stop the hurt that those words caused.

In that moment, I felt unloved and unwanted by my mother. Through prayer, and a little time, God guided us to restoration in our relationship. We never stopped loving each other. But, my mother needed time to deal with her grief. And we both needed the time to work through and beyond those hurtful words said in a vulnerable moment.

God saw her and I in that moment and was already working out how to help us through it.

Now we come to Genesis 29:35
“And she conceived again and bore a son, and said, ‘This time I will praise the Lord.” Therefore she called his name Judah. Then she ceased bearing.” 
Judah means “Praise or Thanksgiving”

By the time Judah was born, Leah had turned from expecting an emotional connection with her husband to giving God praise for his grace and love to her. She had learned who truly saw her, truly loved her, and who chose her. I love the phrase here,

“This time…. I will praise the Lord.”

She was no longer seeking validation from Jacob. This time…she was finding her identity in God and praising Him for blessing her. "This time…" Have you ever experienced a “this time?” Maybe more than one.

In reading more about Leah, I have learned that her “this time” was not only a turning point for her, but the birth of Judah had far-reaching implications for Israel and the world:

-Leah is one of the 4 biblical Matriarchs.
-It was Leah who was buried next to Jacob in the family tomb. Rachel was buried along the roadside near Bethlehem.
-And it was Leah, the unloved and unwanted one, who was the mother of Judah, and whom God chose to bear the line of Jesus Christ.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

When we feel unloved, rejected, or unwanted, I pray that we remember that God sees us. God loves us. And God chooses us. All we have to do is respond